Narc

Never Date Anyone Without These Green Flags!! | By Jimmy Knowles | So here's the problem everyone's obsessed with red flags right narcissism avoidance gaslighting is my partner secretly manipulating me and I get it we have to protect ourselves the last thing I would ever want is for you to get into a relationship with someone who eventually neglects or takes advantage of you but here's the issue actually there's two issues one the absence of red flags doesn't mean the presence of green ones and two especially when we're dating there aren't going to be very many red flags at first because we're all in our best behavior a narcissist. So then what's the solution? The solution is yes, absolutely learn about red flags. Learn about what shouldn't be present but just as important, also identify what should be present, what green flags you should look for in a partner because once you truly understand green flags, it's so much easier to spot red ones and that's not always the case the other way around. Just because someone isn't a narcissist doesn't mean they are a good partner for you. In fact, according to the experts who deal with spot counterfeit money. They even admit they don't waste a lot of time learning about all the fake bills out there. They spend all their time studying the real ones, the way they feel, the way they look, the details that others would miss. They learn about what real actually looks like and then it's so much easier to spot a fake and that's my hope for you. If you learn about what real love looks and feels like. If you learn about what you deserve, kindness, mutual respect, reciprocation, emotional safety. It's much easier to spot the fake of those. It's actually counterproductive to spend a whole lot of time analyzing. Is this person a narcissist? Because even if you're asking that question, this isn't the right person for you because they don't have the green flags that you know you deserve in this relationship. It doesn't matter if they're a covert narcissist or if they have avoidant attachment or if they're just a jerk, they clearly don't care about a healthy relationship with you and that's all that matters. If you forget everything I say in this video, remember this, the largest green for your relationship is how do they make you feel? Do you feel safe around them? Do you feel prioritized and respected? Is there consistency or are they hot and cold? Because that would make anyone feel anxious. Do they reciprocate the effort you're putting in? Are you scared to be honest with them about how you're actually feeling? Or how about this one? Are you confused about where you stand with them even after months of being together? Because that's your answer of where you stand with them. Someone who sees you as valuable and wants this relationship to work will put in the time and effort and it will be evident. We all prioritize what we value, right? No relationship is perfect but I promise you, if things don't start out healthy, marriage doesn't fix that. I don't need you to have a perfect relationship. I just need you to have a mutually respectful one. I need you to have a safe relationship. I need you to have a relationship where you both care how each other feels loved and valued. There's nothing that we can do to control every variable to make sure that our relationships work but what we can do is set ourselves up for the best chance of success by becoming the right type of person and picking the right type of person so let's talk about what that looks like alright let's start this list already let me know in the comments what I forgot to add alright number one don't get serious with anyone who hates dogs right I mean those people just tend to be weirdos alright that was just a joke I was just seeing if you were all still paying attention seems like you are so we can move on to the real list number one is always going to be communication when you meet someone of course it's physical that you notice first but it's how you communicate and interact together that's going to make you either want to continue seeing them or move on to someone else right it's a green flag if they can actually listen to you and take an interest in what you're saying and ask some appropriate questions it's a red flag when they turn everything back to being about them I think we can all agree humor is a green flag are they able to make jokes without coming across as rude are they only making jokes about you or are they giving themselves a hard time too because too many people can dish it out but not take it, right? Another great trick is to listen to how they argue with other people. Listen to how they disagree with people about politics or religion or other things that they're passionate about. Can they do it with respect? Can they allow someone else to hold a different viewpoint or perspective without dismissing or invalidating them? That's going to give you a big clue for how they're going to handle important conflicts with you one day. I think it's a green flag that once you start to get more serious, you can talk about important issues together. Ask how long they normally see someone before they make things official and only date that one Ask them what annoys them the most about how other people handle conflict. What do they fight most about in their last relationship? Ask them about what respect looks like to them. Ask them about what it looks like for someone to value them. Ask them about any boundaries that are important to them. We think having these hard talks early on might lead to disconnection, right? But it's actually the other way around. Having these talks and setting a standard for how you both want to be treated and how you want to talk to each other especially during a conflict is exactly what prevents connection later on. If you're worried that talking about your boundaries with someone is going to turn them off, that's not your person. No one is going to set a standard for how you should be treated. That's your job. Alright, number two, when they see a dog approach them, do they get excited or do they have this look of like disgust? What's that? I'm being told we've already discussed this. Okay, I'm so sorry. I'll move on. Number two, everyone says narcissists are going to trick you in the beginning which is true but here are a few areas narcissists really struggle faking. One of the green flags I want you to see in any new partner is accountability. Can they admit when they've made a mistake? Can they say the word I'm sorry that's a green flag you need to see and I get it in the beginning there's not going to be a lot to apologize for hopefully so we forget to pay attention to this but have you ever heard them say I'm sorry to anyone not I'm sorry you feel that way not I'm sorry you took it that way how about I'm sorry I hurt you that wasn't my intention but I care about how my words and actions affect you can we talk about this because everyone messes up mature people learn and grow from their mistakes immature people always find a way to blame someone else so they don't have to reflect or change, right? Now, the other side of that coin is when some people get called out, they develop this attitude of woe is me. Oh, I'm just the worst. Why would anyone want to be with me? You should just leave me and be with someone else. That's not humility, accountability, or maturity either. That doesn't make them a bad person but it's a sign that there's some healing that needs to take place because you can be prideful and never admit you're capable of making a mistake or you can be shameful and think you are a mistake. Neither of those actually repair the hurt or rebuild trust with your The other thing a narcissist doesn't fake well is empathy. It's a green flag when someone attempts to step into your shoes and actually tries to understand what you're experiencing while validating your experiences and feelings as real. A narcissist has no intention on doing that. The truth is empathy plays a massive role in whether your relationship makes it or not. At the center of most of our issues is distance and disconnection due to a lack of empathy from one or both partners. Empathy gets curious. Empathy seeks to understand by asking questions and it's especially to ask questions about a hurt that you might have caused. Tell me about what led you to feel that way. What meaning did you give that? What do you need from me to repair this and feel close again? There's a big difference between fake empathy. Someone saying, yeah, I know what you're going through and real empathy. I don't know what you're going through but I can see that you're in pain and that matters to me. I'm right here. I'm willing to talk whenever you're ready and I hope you feel supported and loved throughout this. Another thing a narcissist rarely fakes is actual vulnerability. Can they talk about their fear Can they talk about their needs, wants, and desires? Can they talk about their insecurities and flaws that they want to improve upon? Rarely have I ever heard of a true narcissist having any desire to connect with themselves or share in that way. I'm not saying you need to bear your heart on the first few dates. Of course, that type of oversharing can be unattractive but if you're getting serious with someone, it's a green flag when you can both actually be vulnerable and honest with each other about your inner world. The last green flag that a narcissist really struggles faking is that they will never celebrate your wins. When you get that promotion, when you achieve that goal, it's a green flag when someone can give you admiration and praise. They can say, I'm so happy for you. You work so hard. You deserve this. It's a red flag when someone says, great job but you would have never been able to accomplish that without me and my help. People who say that kind of stuff are so insecure on the inside. They have created this fantasy world and they project their insecurities onto you because their entire world would come crashing down if anyone else was deserving of praise and if you grew up hearing something like that, my truly breaks for you if you had a narcissistic parent like that. I hope you realize that that had nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own shame and guilt and fear on the inside of them. Alright, number three, if they do hate dogs, there needs to be some sort of a story around that. Did they have a traumatic experience when they were young? That's forgivable and understandable but let's work through that healing and face our fears so we don't miss out on interacting with one of the world's most lovable creatures, right? Right? Also, it's a flag if they have a growth mindset and I don't mean just for their job which is really important in itself that they're willing to work if they're able I just mean do they care about growing as a person all this research that I'm doing about relationship dynamics do you know one of the largest roadblocks that I keep seeing people aren't self aware they aren't emotionally maturing. They have no capacity or desire for self reflection which is essential if we actually want to connect and experience intimacy and closeness with another person. I mean think about it. If you don't value your own awareness and connect with yourself, you're really going to struggle staying connected to someone else and I know because that was me. If you have a habit of dismissing your own feelings and needs, of course, it makes sense. By during conflict, you dismiss their feelings and needs as well. The only problem is that's the fastest way towards disconnection. So, how do we become aware? We intentionally start paying attention to what we're feeling. We look into our conflicts. We reflect in those difficult moments and ask questions. It seems like I got really defensive back there. I wonder why which in with ourselves. Something's going on. I'm upset. Do I feel overlooked, blamed, neglected, unappreciated? What happened to lead me to feel that way and how did I express that? Did I get passive, aggressive, and critical? Did I shut down and pull away? What did I actually need in that moment that I wasn't getting and did I actually communicate that to my partner or was I too afraid that it would just lead to another fight? We can all struggle with this stuff. It can feel very foreign but when we don't understand our own feelings and emotions, We don't have the capacity to understand our partners either and if we dismiss and push our own feelings away, we will push theirs away too and that will lead them to feeling very alone. We need to be mature enough to look into our own destructive defaults that we all have like contempt, having a superior attitude or yelling or defensiveness or name calling or invalidation or shutting down or even being passive aggressive. If we don't at least bare minimum pay attention and take accountability for our own faults and admit these aren't actually working. They're not helping anything then of course we're just going to repeat them over time. It's a green flag when you're dating someone who is actually interested in becoming a better version of themselves. Again, this isn't about perfection. It's simply an acknowledgement. If you hurt your partner with your mouth with your words, if you avoid and shut down, then you have something you need to change as we all do. I'm not saying you're broken or flawed but I am saying if you want this relationship to be mutually fulfilling, you need to learn a new strategy because this one is working. It's a massive green flag for both of you to become safe places where each other can learn about how to identify and express feelings and needs. Most of us did not grow up in safe environments where we were able to do that but what happened to us isn't our fault. Healing from it is our responsibility, right? So, become someone safe that your partner can share with. Now, here's the disclaimer. Of course, we have to be careful. I'm not saying your relationship should just be full of complaints. That's why Doctor John Gottman says that we should be aiming for a fifth to one ratio in your relationship. Fifteen positive interactions of affection and admiration and appreciation, smiles, hugs, jokes, laughs to every one negative interaction but this is so important. The goal isn't to get rid of the negative. The negative emotion is still super important and when our partner expresses a negative emotion vulnerably and respectfully, let's work to see the hurt underneath that complaint and the unmet need under their frustration. It's a green flag when someone asks questions about your Experience or your feelings instead of just dismissing or defending or invalidating. It's a green flag when someone validates what you're going through as real. Even if they don't agree with all the details. They can still take accountability. I'm not saying that apologize for things that you didn't do. I'm not saying validate accusations that aren't true but are you willing to take accountability for any unintentional hurt? What that sounds like is I'm so sorry. I can see how when I told that joke about you at the party that really hurt you and you felt rejected. That was wrong. Thank you for telling me how you feel and then we change accordingly because the best apology is change behavior. Lastly, how you manage conflict is often times going to be the determining factor of whether your relationship thrives or dies. So, learn how to do it respectfully right off the bat. Trust me when I say, it's worth the risk of discomfort to be honest about your boundaries because conflict is either going to build trust and connection or it's going to break it. It all depends on how you handle it together. Number four, it's not a red flag if someone doesn't like cats. Cats are very self-centered. They really don't care about anyone but themselves. I'm not saying we should be mean to them. I'm just saying if narcissism was an animal, it would probably be a cat. What's that? I'm being told they're all done with this joke. Okay, we're going to move on. Another green flag is do they see you as an equal? Because if they do, there shouldn't be any dominance in this relationship. You never deserve for someone to speak down to you or call you names or touch you when you don't want to be touched. Dominant people no issue looking down their nose at you and making those critical and disrespectful comments towards you but they would never tolerate that same behavior from you would they that's the things that you need to be paying attention to the moment that your partner or anyone talks to you like that and you think man I would never get away with this that's a red flag as in a stop sign that needs to be addressed before it becomes a pattern so often we stay silent because maybe the trauma that we endured early in our life we have fallen into a submissive role where you feel like you know how to stand up for your needs and you don't know how to set boundaries with dominant people and I can completely understand how scary that is. I'm just here to remind you there is no place for dominance or disrespect or superiority in relationships. It only has one destination and it's not happily ever after. You deserve someone who cares about respecting your boundaries and if you feel scared to set boundaries or be honest about how you're actually feeling, I would strongly encourage you to speak to a professional about that. The truth is mutual respect is essential. That means treating the other person the way you would like to be treated as well like you're valuable and worthy of kindness and consideration because you are. We respect our partner by learning about them. What are their preferences and values? What do they need to feel close and loved in this relationship? What are their boundaries around sexuality, conflict, in-laws work? Self-centered people never think about asking any of those questions but self-centeredness and love don't coexist. It's a green flag when each partner actually has a desire to feel like a team in this relationship and team demands that we talk about things like the domestic labor and the mutual chores. It's a green flag when we can check in with each other. Hey, how are your stress levels? Do you feel overwhelmed? Would you even be able to come to me if you felt neglected or overlooked? I mean, you want to talk about the ultimate green flag? That's being humble enough to invite your partner to be honest about how they actually feel even if it causes some discomfort in you and I'm not saying that this gives them a license to lash out at you or this is an opportunity to put them down. No, I'm saying you're humble and considerate enough to ask those questions because you truly want to be a safe place for each other, that should calm their nervous system. If it doesn't and they're still taking advantage of you, that's when you need to speak to a professional if you actually want this relationship to continue and the last thing I want to say about respect is it's a green flag when you see them respecting strangers. How do they treat people who can do nothing for them? How do they respect their parents, their siblings, their exes? If all they talk about is how terrible their exes were and they don't any accountability for how those relationships were toxic or immature, guess what? You can just replace their name with your name because that's exactly how they're going to talk about you one day. That's why I always say you need to be talking about your boundaries and needs early on. That's the best narcissist prevention because a narcissist hates the idea of you being assertive about your needs and desires. All they care about is control. If you can't be controlled, they will move on which will sting in the moment but it's going to be a blessing in the long run. So, don't be afraid to talk about your boundaries respectfully. The only people that punish you for that were the people that were planning to take advantage of you. Okay, number 5, are they trustworthy? Just like dogs are. You thought I was done with the dog thing but I'm not, okay? I'm committed to this bit. Alright, I'll stop but you're going to be disappointed when I don't say anything for number six. That's on all you. I gotta be honest with you. Trustworthiness probably should have been number one. I I'm sorry about that. I just thought of it. So, if you could pretend that that's higher on the list, that would be great. So, what makes someone trustworthy? First, they follow through on what they said they were do. Their actions match their words. They are reliable and if something happens, if they make a mistake, they forget, of course, we're all human. They own it. They don't immediately blame everyone else or everything else. They apologize and they move on with some sort of a plan or communication for how they're going to learn and grow from this experience. That's called maturity. Two, are they honest and transparent? That doesn't mean they tell you every detail about their life. It just means they aren't purposefully hiding things from you. Trustworthy people have integrity. That means doing the right thing when no one's watching you. If your spidey senses are tingling and this new person seems like they're consistently lying or deceiving you or something's off, you're probably right. The truth is trust isn't simply confidence that someone won't cheat. It's the foundation of a healthy relationship. That everything else rests on. Trust is actually a sense of safety and security that this person cares. If I need them, if I can reach for them, they will be there for me. They show up. I know that I matter to them so that million dollar question is, do you trust them? It's a massive green flag when you're with someone who actually cares about building trust in this relationship because that means showing up and putting in the work. It builds trust when we care enough to ask. Is there anything I can do for you this week that can help you feel valued and prioritized because most of us have never heard that but that's what love actually sounds like. It sounds like intentionality and curiosity and effort and let me be clear. I'm not saying that people should say this from a place of anxiety or fear like constantly checking is everything okay? Do you still like me? Please don't leave. I'll do anything. Of course that would be a turn off for anyone. That's not maturity or love. I'm just saying that when you care about someone, check in with them. Reassure them. Hey, if you need something, if you feel like something's off, I want to be a safe place where you can share that. That's what builds trust over time. Intentionality, mutual sacrifice, mutual respect, consideration, affection, attention, safety, vulnerability, putting in the work of selflessness and emotional connection together. This is what makes your bond strong. Ignore this stuff just weakens your bond and you'll wonder why years later people say we just fell out of love no they didn't fall out of love they never actually had love they had chemistry they had passion they might have had a trauma bond they had the bedroom they didn't have trust or safety I promise you they never built their relationship house on a strong foundation. Spending a lot of years together doesn't result in connection does it? That's because it requires something from each of you. It requires protecting against and repairing disconnection which happens all the time in our relationships. Alright, number six is independence. Now, it's normal in the beginning. We all want them to be obsessed with us, right? But it's actually very attractive when they don't make you the center of their universe and vice versa. I mean, just think about it. Everybody's so concerned with narcissist, right? One of the first tells of a narcissist is them love bombing you, showering you with attention and love and praise, telling you they've never felt this way about anyone, right? Twin flames. All while slowly isolating you from your friends and family but if you really cared about avoiding an narcissist. Then you would slow down in the beginning and maintain your life outside of this person. I'm not saying don't see each other. I'm saying it's a green flag when you can both maintain a life separate from each other at first. Have a great time together. Sure but I have a tendency to throw on my rose colored glasses and fall in love quick. So if that's you, you probably need to slow down and make sure that you're not making them the center of your universe. It's also a green flag when you can see that they have other healthy relationships outside of this one. Do they have healthy friendships? How do people at work talk about them. Do you feel comfortable around their friends? Because I've seen those alpha male videos where they teach guys how to ignore girls so that they'll like them. They aren't allowed to initiate. They never give a compliment. They play these games where they're very distant. They never text you because that's what they were told makes you want them more. This is manipulation and it's called being an A hole and it does work with some women but it's usually unhealed people who have had some trauma in their life and they're used to chasing people for external validation of their own worth and value. So, can Congratulations. You triggered her abandonment wound to get her to sleep with you. What a great example of a real man you are. Not to mention that all of these alpha males never have consistent stable relationships because being an A hole might attract women. It doesn't keep them. Alright, moving on. I think it's a green flag when a person you're dating has purpose in their life. They're driven towards some sort of a goal, right? They're already a well-rounded individual. They aren't looking for you to save them. It's attractive when someone doesn't actually need us even though that seems counterintuitive. That doesn't mean they don't want you in their life but they don't need you to be happy. Now, of course, this can get tricky because some people are so driven. They prioritize work and hobbies above everything else and it slowly becomes clear that they don't actually want or have time for a real relationship where they need to put in the effort that connection requires. So, that's just something that you'll have to decide on your own. Alright, number seven, let's talk about some green flags around personality. Everybody's personality is different. I get that but when it comes to dating, I think it's a green flag when they are flat in nature that they can compromise. I think it's super important to pay attention to how rigid people are. I'm not saying they're wrong to freak out when plans change. I'm not saying that they're a bad person when things don't go exactly the way that they wanted to. There's a lot of people who are neurodivergent and they can't help it but it's still something that we need to pay attention to because it might not be a good fit for you. For me, it's a green flag when someone has an attitude of gratitude. Do they tend to look out for things to be grateful for or two, they tend to filter through the negative. Do they appreciate life or they just so stressed that they can't go a few minutes without complaining. I think it's a green flag when someone's intentionally appreciative. They go out of their way to offer encouragement. They're supportive. They're generous. They're thoughtful. You told them about your job interview tomorrow so they texted you an hour before and said hey you're going to knock it out of the park. I'm really proud of you babe. These are the little things that people fall in love with. These are the little moments that build the most trust and help us feel loved and supported. It's greeting them at the door. Giving them a hug goodbye. It's playfulness. It's your humor. It's having fun together. It's intentionally setting aside time to reconnect through talking and touching and doing something with them. Doing the dishes so they don't feel like it's always their responsibility. Learning about their dreams and desires and needs. This isn't the extra stuff. This isn't going above and beyond. The experts all agree. These are the essentials. The bottom line is who you choose to be in a serious relationship with and who you choose to give your body to and who you choose to marry and have kids with is a really big deal and even though I've never met you, I really do care about you and I just want you to be set up to have the most fulfilling relationship possible and some of that is becoming the right type of person and some of that is choosing the right type of person, right? And what we don't realize is some of you have never experienced actual safety and trustworthiness in a relationship. Sometimes, we need to realize that we're attracted to what's familiar to us. So, let's be honest with ourselves. What are you familiar to? Being told that your feelings are a burden, working hard to feel loved and accepted, always the one that sacrifice for others giving giving but never receiving because we are naturally drawn to what we know and if subconsciously you know you aren't worthy of selfless love you're going to be drawn and have chemistry with partners who support that narrative and don't prioritize you because neglect feels normal to you it feels safe for you to have to work for their love and acceptance just like you did in childhood and we get caught accepting breadcrumbs and actually getting used to the chaotic nature of unhealth love relationships where there's no consistency and there's a lot of fighting and making up and one minute they're hot and the next minute they're cold we can get used to that but that's not the love you deserve the truth is you deserve selfless love you deserve a partner who compliments you and appreciates you and you deserve safe consistent warm love you deserve reciprocation that's what love is supposed to look and feel like and you're not asking too much by wanting a partner that shows those green flags thank you so much for watching I can't to see you in the next one. And if all else fails, just remember, one of the best qualities about a dog is unconditional love.

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5 ways a Narcissist | By Jimmy Knowles | Is nothing that threatens a toxic person more than your boundaries because if you actually had boundaries then they wouldn't have control or dominance over you and that's the goal of every narcissistic or toxic person they want you to feel powerless and having boundaries means you understand your worth and value having limits means you know how you deserve to be treated it means you respect yourself enough to stand up for what you know is right and say I will not tolerate certain things in my relationships and that is a narcissist nightmare so let's get a the five ways that a narcissist will undermine or weaponize your boundaries so that when it happens you won't be surprised and you'll have a plan number five is that they will play the victim. Of course they will. Remember the kryptonite of every narcissist is accountability. When's the last time you heard them take responsibility, apologize, and care about the impact their words or actions had on you. If the answer is never that sounds about right. They are quick to point out your flaws. But if you ever brought up theirs you would be punished. And when you set a boundary or time or energy when you talk about your limits of course they're going to try to guilt trip you and convince you that you're being cruel and you're hurting them and they just want a great relationship with you right all of a sudden they pull the I thought we were a team card and now they say your boundary is hurting your bond together when in reality we know they aren't interested in connection they're only interested in control and manipulation and us having the freedom to say no or set limits means they aren't in control so they'll try to plant the seed in our mind that our is actually hurting them or it's a danger to the relationship. But don't fall for it. So if you said hey I'm not comfortable doing that or going there. A toxic person's going to say I thought you loved me. And since you want this person usually to feel loved and valued you end up abandoning your own boundaries just to make them happy but I just want to remind all of us you won't have to abandon yourself to make the right person happy. The right person for you wants to know your limits. The right person wants you to feel safe. They won't pressure you into doing something they know don't want to do. That's not love. That's abuse. Alright, moving on to number four, they will gaslight you. They might initially listen to your boundary and not say very much which you interpret as them understanding what you're saying but then, when they overstep or ignore that same boundary, they will gaslight you and tell you that's not what you said and it will be a worthless argument because remember, they're not going to take any accountability. You either didn't communicate it well enough or they just forgot or the situation was against them. It's never their fault. That's why you like you have to be a lawyer around a toxic person. You feel like you have to cover every single detail, right? Or else they'll find the loophole but then in the process of purposely overcommunicating, they'll call you crazy and shame you for being so paranoid and not trusting them but then if you brought up past events that justify why you need to over communicate. Well, now you're starting a fight and that's how quickly someone can dominate the relationship just by confidently controlling the narrative that you're the crazy one here. That's why they speak in absolutes. You never trust me. You owe start a fight. You never care about my feelings and if you listen carefully, they're actually telling you their playbook. They don't trust you and that's why they're jealous and controlling. They're always starting a fight and they don't care about your feelings and if they blame you for those things first, then, they can look more like the victim later. Alright, number three, if you set any boundary, they're going to accuse you of controlling them. They'll say, you never cared about them or this relationship and noone would ever put up with your controlling behavior like they have to. What they're doing here is baiting you into a fight. Remember, if the narcissist can get you into a fight, it means they still have control. If they can say words and get you to react in a certain way, that means they have control over you and a narcissistic or abusive person thrives on control. If you fight with them, they have value because nobody fights for something they don't value, right? And I don't promote punishing the narcissist because that could turn into narcissistic rage and you could get hurt. Personally, I would much rather you just simply not interact with someone who has been toxic or or narcissistic but if you were going to punish a narcissist, it wouldn't be through fighting with them. It would be through indifference. The moment a narcissistic person realizes that you no longer take the bait of their accusations or lies or threats because you don't see them as worth fighting with anymore, that's when they feel worthless and panic. What you'll never hear out of their mouth is why do you feel like this boundary is necessary? What were you feeling or needing when you decided to set this boundary? Because those are questions that involve curiosity. And a willingness to understand someone else's inner world and a toxic person has no interest in those but just remember, boundaries aren't about controlling anyone. Boundaries are about protecting ourselves. Boundaries are about loving someone else and myself at the same time and I can't do that. If I'm only thinking about your desires and needs and not my own limits, right? Boundaries apply to all sorts of things. We have physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, we have limits when it comes to our privacy or energy or time. We have conflict boundaries such as if you yell at me or call me names, I'm going to remove myself from that conversation. Is that controlling anyone? No, they can continue to call me names. I'm not controlling them. I'm controlling myself by leaving toxic conversations that are purposely disrespectful because that is my right. A healthy boundary isn't about what I'm trying to force you to do. That's more of an ultimatum. Me trying to force you to do something. A healthy boundary isn't about you. It's about what I'm going to do in response to X, Y, or Z. There's a big difference. Here's the hard about boundaries. You don't know anyone, your time, energy, attention, or body, right? Those are yours and you should have autonomy to do with them what you want. Here's a great example of a boundary. I'm not going to pick you up from the bar anymore when you've had too much to drink. Perfect boundary. I'm not stopping you from drinking. I'm just informing you, I'm not going to get involved anymore. Now, a toxic person is going to call you 13 times when they're drunk at the bar later and then be furious when you don't pick up. They're going to choose to drive anyways and blame you for why they got into an accident or got a DUI. They'll spin it as if you cared, you would have helped me. You're partly responsible for what happened because you could have prevented this by just picking me up but they rarely if ever admit, I'm ultimately responsible for my own choices. I didn't have to drink. I chose that. I didn't have to call you. You would already established that you weren't going to take on that responsibility of driving me. I knew better and I'm owning my choices but you're never going to hear that and of course, we sacrifice for the people that we love. Of course, sometimes our boundaries are flexible. Sometimes, I don't have the energy to go to that party but my partner really wants to so I go for them. There's a big difference between occasionally doing things for someone out of love and consistently abandoning myself and my own needs for someone else who doesn't value or appreciate that sacrifice. What makes a sacrifice healthy or not is whether I can tell them no and that boundary be respected because if not, then we have a big problem. If someone doesn't care about your boundaries, they don't care you and the truth is with people you can actually trust, your boundaries can be a lot more flexible because you actually believe they have your best interest in mind. A self-centered toxic person will complain about your rigid boundaries and how strict and direct you are but how nice and gentle you are with other people. That's because other people don't directly undermine the limits that I express. I'm not so rigid or direct with other people because I don't have to be. They don't seem to cause the same issues that you do. That brings to number two which is mocking and dismissing your boundary. They need to make you out to be the bad guy here, right? They need to spin this so that you're selfish and uncaring so they'll dismiss and invalidate and make fun of any boundary that they don't agree with. Common invalidating phrases, you're so sensitive. You're really going to make a big deal about this. Gosh, you're so dramatic. I was just kidding. Can't you take a joke? Why are you so negative all the time? Why are you ruining a good day or oh I guess I'm just the worst person in the world. Yeah, you're and the hardest part with all this stuff is we believe them don't we we don't want to be seen as controlling we don't want to be seen as someone who's always negative plus on top of that regardless of who this is I bet you deeply care about this person I know you deeply care about them because nobody should have to put up with what you're putting up with the only reason you're still here is because you love them but the problem is when someone that we care about is telling us that we're not valuable or that we're a failure or that we're holding them back in some way from a better life that they would treat us better if we just acted better we believe them because unfortunately we have a history with being labeled as the problem don't we we have a history having to work to earn our love we have a history tolerating a lot of mistreatment and feeling so grateful when we just get a breadcrumb of respect or love it's easy for us to tolerate the bare minimum it's all we're used to we have a history questioning ourselves that maybe we are broken or flawed or unlovable and I just want to remind you it's not true lovable. You're worthy of kindness and respect. You're valuable. You deserve someone who prioritizes you. You deserve someone who listens and empathizes with your pain or needs or desires. You deserve consistency and warmth and someone who is trustworthy with your heart and when someone like me talks negatively about your partner, you tend to fall back on yeah but I'm not perfect either and I know that. We're not talking about perfect. We're talking about considerate and thoughtful and loving, consistently, not just randomly and I'll just ask you two questions. One, what would you say to your son or daughter if you found out they were being treated the exact same way you're being treated? And two, you would never treat them the way that they treat you, would you? And I know that you're not perfect but you wouldn't demean someone else like they do. You wouldn't blame someone else like that. You wouldn't yell or call names or hit or lie or call someone stupid like they do to you. Why not? Why don't you do those things? Because are wrong that's the answer because it's wrong the question is why are you tolerating someone who consistently does wrong towards you and then blames you for it because you don't deserve that and when you stay in toxic relationships long enough it rubs off doesn't it you start to yell you start to get aggressive maybe you even fight back because the fortieth time they poke you you grab the stick and you fight back but that's part of the problem we blame them for poking us 40 times which I completely agree with they shouldn't be poking you but we don't hold ourselves accountable to the fact that we don't have to be in the vicinity where someone can poke us, right? I would never want to victim blame you. I love you. I care about you. I care about your future. If someone's poking you thirty times, I would scream at the person poking you. Stop poking them but once I realize they are not going to stop. My attention is going to turn to you and say, please stop standing there. They aren't going to stop and the tragedy of being the victim of abuse is so often that they think they need to change something in themselves or they're behavior and then they can stop the abuse. It doesn't work that way. That's how the abusive person controls and manipulates you. That's why you're so confused all the time. You feel like you're bending over backwards but you're not getting any appreciation or change from their side. That's how it's always going to be. They will always accuse you of being controlling and selfish because they know you'll actually think, am I being controlling and selfish? Could I change something to love them better? But just ask yourself, have they ever asked themselves those same Questions. Of course not. And I'm not saying there aren't good times. Of course there are. If there weren't any good times you would have left already. There are the perfect amount of good times to get you to stay. Because then they can tell you it could always be like this if you just acted better. And we believe them. And so often we see our boundaries as the cause of the conflict right? But that's not true. If me telling you no I can't or won't do that. If me telling you if you call me names I'm going to leave this discussion because is the other person to start a fight, then that person has revealed something very important to us. They just told us, I care about my desires more than yours. I care about getting what I want more than how it affects you and that's really important information to know. The people who see our boundaries as the problem are the very same people who benefited from us not having any. You're allowed to tell someone, I don't want to talk about this subject right now. You're allowed to tell someone, if you come over unannounced, we will not answer the door and them explode in rage. Just think about how ridiculous it is that we're worried about saying those things will cause the conflict. Why aren't they? Aren't they concerned with pressuring us or forcing us to talk about a subject that we ask them not to? Why aren't they concerned about them invading our privacy as the cause of the conflict? It's because that's the dynamic they have with us. You're the one who worries about those things. Not them. You're the one who questions yourself. You're the one who bends over backwards to serve and make it easy and conflict free. Not them. You're the one who believes them when they say you're the problem. But I would just remind you as they call you the problem just remember you don't have these communication issues with other people do you? Other people don't seem to interrupt you or call you stupid. Other people don't tell you that you don't make any sense. It's actually the opposite. Other people tell you you're a great communicator. It's only with them you seem to have this problem with. And that brings us to the number one way a toxic person will undermine or weaponize your boundaries and that's by simply punishing you for setting it. They'll yell at you. They'll belittle you. They'll demean you. They'll give you the silent treatment for weeks. They'll try to isolate you from your friends and family. They'll lie to everyone about you. They'll make your life miserable anyway that they can. They will create their own random boundaries as a way to punish you for yours. If your boundary was I need some alone time during the week just to recharge then their new boundary is I'm staying out till 3 AM and never telling you where I am anymore. The point is this is why it's so hard setting any boundaries with narcissistic or toxic people because the moment you try to, you're immediately punished and you backtrack and apologize because you want to keep the peace, right? The problem is is that when we abandon ourselves, we never experience peace because even if you were the perfect partner or perfect child, a narcissistic person will push you and push you until you break because it was never about peace for them. It was only about power and this is what I hear so often. Yeah, but a narcissist won't respect your boundaries and you're exactly right. A narcissistic or toxic or abusive person doesn't care about your boundaries. They've shown you over and over. They don't value your needs, wants, or desires. They don't consider you unequal. They don't plan on respecting your limits or boundaries. You're absolutely right. So then what's the next question? Okay well how can I force them to respect my boundaries? You know you can't. It's impossible. You've probably tried and you feel exhausted and hopeless. But now you're thinking okay so what are you saying? Are you saying I should just roll over and give up? No I'm simply you can't set boundaries with a narcissistic person. They won't let you. This is what you have to realize. A narcissistic or toxic person is actively pushing the relationship off a cliff. You're the only one that's standing in the way of it falling to its death because that's what happens when you take a relationship, any relationship and you remove mutual respect, right? Because a narcissistic person doesn't respect you. You remove accountability. They blame you for everything. You remove emotional connection. They have no interest in that. You remove consistency that will erode trust over time so what are you left with an empty dying relationship that is what a toxic person is pushing the relationship towards you're the only one who's fighting for any of those other things because you care about this person deeply but just because you care doesn't mean that a healthy safe connecting relationship is possible with this person so they might continue to try to sabotage it from the inside out and you setting any boundaries you talking about your needs or desires or limits will be the place they push back. At that point, once your boundaries are walked on enough, you have to decide, is this person interested? Not as this person capable, we're all capable, is this person interested in a safe, mutually respectful relationship with me because if through their actions, they have answered no, then you have to accept that reality. You are trying to have a fulfilling relationship with someone who doesn't care about your feelings, needs, or boundaries. Now, what? Now, we have to honestly ask ourselves, how much access of our has this person shown they can be trusted with. This is why people eventually leave toxic relationships and go no contact. Even if it's with a parent or sibling or a son or a daughter or a spouse. Of course it's painful. Of course it's tragic but eventually you realize there's no other option. Either I stay and suffer or I distance myself and grieve the loss of this relationship. When you're trying to save someone who's drowning, they teach you what to do if that person starts to panic and pull you under. You take a big breath and you swim under water and get safe. Not because you want to abandon them but because you know you're both going to drown if you stay and this isn't about demonizing people who are narcissistic. Maybe they had a rough childhood. Maybe they were mistreated in the past. Maybe they're just protecting themselves in some way. We can have empathy for someone and still hold them accountable to toxic and hurtful behaviors. We do not have to tolerate abuse of any kind just because we care about someone. There is no excuse for abuse and I hope and pray that if you're in this situation, hope this has helped you in some way understand what you deserve in your relationships. That you deserve the same respect and consideration that you so generously give out to others. So thank you so much for listening and I can't wait to see you in the next one.